she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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