I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
