You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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