I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
