If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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