So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
