God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I think people are normalizing furries
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
