look no pants
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
