You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
