I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
there is glitter all over my balls
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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