got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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