First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
