You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
