So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
