i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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