oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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