I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Let's get the cat blown out
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
