Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
