wanna go halves on a baby?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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