YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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