Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
