Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
