Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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