you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We had sex on a dog bed..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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