Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You did what with his pubic hair?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
