I wish I could punch you in the face.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
