3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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