I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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