He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
