im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
