if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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