I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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