Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's just like the Real World with babies
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
