areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
