just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
