I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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