my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
