Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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