I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
