wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
