ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
