If i come over, it means nothing
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
