Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
How's work?
Spinning.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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