Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
