Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
