Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
