i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
