So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize