I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
