Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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