I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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