I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
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How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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