You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
