Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
