i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
